Sometime, well after the fall of Adam, God created telestial creatures like cockroachs... and CATS!
My dislike for cats was borne through years of observation and honed into a fine hatred during my missionary days in England.
While I always seemed to have companions that were deathly fearful of dogs, I have always loved dogs and they seem to have a natural affection for me. Even the most vicious dog was reduced to a vigorous tail wagging puppy when I met up with them...maybe it's a "gift of the spirit".
Cats, on the other hand, were a completely different story. It seemed that every house that we got into, that had a cat, would do it's obligatory rub against your leg, jump onto your lap with it's "you-may-pet-me-now-you-large-pink-colored-beast" look, which I would reluctantly indulge the finicky feline. Inevitably, the petting is abrubtly halted by a tear-inducing scratch and bite from the crazy cat as it leaps from your lap. (Note: A dog will look at you, acknowledge with a lick his gratitude for the scritch-scratch, and meander off. A cat, however, feels obligated to punish you for exceeding your time-limit of petting).
Back to the scratching cat. It's timing was impeccable one time as it was my turn to bear my testimony about a particular principle:
"Mr. Brown, I want you to know that I have a testimo....OUCH!!! &*#*$%@&!# CAT!"
The Browns never joined the Church. I blame the cat. I dust my feet of that cat. I'm convinced that Satan probably owns a cat.
Now, I know I will get the cat lovers of the world dander up (pun intended) and I am okay with that. The prevailing rejoinder of that misguided group of cat-lovers is that cats are:
1. Smart. Yeah right. Show me even one that has graduated from kindergarten.
2. Loving. I submit that they don't love you, they allow you to live so that you can feed them and change their litter box.
3. Loyal. Yeah? Just miss one feeding time and they are shacking up with your neighbor faster than you can say Pamela Anderson.
4. Clean. They shed. You vacuum.
5. Easy going. Sure...until you cross them.
As irony would have it, we "own" (or do they own us?) two cats! Yes, dos gatos! This is in direct defiance of my wishes (which by virtue of having two cats proves the utter lack of power and authority I wield in our family) and brought into our home by my animal-loving daughter, Kelsey, who apparently (and suspiciously) did not inherit my cat-hating gene.
I am awaiting the DNA results.
11 comments:
You're so funny, dad. You should publish more often.
I never really had a particular stance on cats until our recent acquisition of one. While he is a "sweet" kitty he does fall into each of the 5 vices you mentioned. It was actually Phil's idea to adopt him, but now every time the Elvis (the cat) jumps into his lap he says "I wish you were a dog". I'm sure we're going to have to pay for pet therapy for him in a few years.
Very funny LB... I remember when I tried to sail the cats across the pool in a little boat and it sank, or when I made that cat submarine. Mom always got after me but I'm sure you were secretly high-five-ing me.
Yes, I believe cats are ideal for any type of experimentation.
Hey...at least we don't chew up the baseballs!!!
Dear S&J (aka Sputnik and Joaquin)
The fact that you don't chew baseballs is far outweighed by the damage inflict on our couches and the mess you made in my bathroom.
BTW, when did you learn to type? I am sure you must have got a sub-serviant human to do your dirty work!
I've met your cats and I like them. Especially Sputnik. You are just mad because they are one more mouth for you to feed.
I can't believe I missed this post. I'm with Erin. I wish you'd publish more often.
You didn't hit on the fact that cats eat rodents and poo in the neighbors yard instead of their own. Two very important points.
Imagine this, going to Dana and Maggie's for Christmas and you are surrounded by 3 furry felines. And since joining the family I have changed one of the cats names to Luci- because she is the devil incarnate!The other two are tolerable, but nonetheless, I feel your pain, I too hate cats!
We know the real truth in why you wrote this blog. You don't want to show how soft hearted you really are. How else could you end up with two cats and a dog? We know you secretly love us. I mean come on!! Really!! And look at that picture, stunning I'd say. Perhaps we should leave you more "gifts" so that you will really appreciate us! Oh and not a sub-serviant human...we have our ways!
Did you like the bird we left you?
S&J...
Do you use the "hunt and peck" method to type. The dead bird was an especially nice touch this morning. Add "mass murderer" to your resume.
Do you remember the famous sacrament meeting talk about cats? Was that you who gave it? lol And David Nielsen has NEVER EVER forgotten it?
"Brother Olson...you don't really want to kill all the cats in the world do you?"
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