Just When Did I Become...

June 25, 1980...that's when.

That was date I asked my first "dumb" question. And it was directed to a "youngster" who was 5 years younger than me.

Youngster: (In response to my question) "They are a band! Duhhh!" (emphasis on the Duh-uhhhh and with an obligatory rolling of the eyes)

Me: "Ohhhhh yeah okay, yeah, I think I have heard of them..."

Youngster: "Yeah, they are totally tubular!"

Me: "Huh?"

Youngster: "They are gnarly fer shur!"

Me: "Gnarly?"

Youngster: "Fer shur..."

Me: "What country are you from?"

Youngster: "Like, Oh My Gawwwwd. You are like a boy-ditz!"

Me: "Uh, I like the Beach Boys..."

Youngster: "You are ancient and deserve to die..."

It was then that I became "self-aware", and that the cool and hip part of my persona was now waving goodbye to me in the rear-view mirror of life.

By the way, the "dumb question" in question was:

"Who are the Police?"

Well, gag me with spoon...
...

Musings on the "D" word...

They say you gain about 3-5 pounds a year after the age of 30 because you start losing muscle mass after that age...

I am 103 years old based on this assumption.

Below are my "Before and After" pictures. Usually in the magazines the "After" photo is suppose to be motivation to use the product they are hocking but mine is more of a warning for what happens if you DO NOT use their product...

Before (Age 39) and After (Age 103)

By my calculations I have been on approximately 122 diets. Now if I had only lost just under one pound on each of those diets I would be in great shape!

My first diet was when I tried to lose 5 pounds (during lunch, running 4 miles in a plastic sweat suit) to make weight (138 lbs.) for a high school wrestling match and the most recent one began five days ago.

So, I have decided, in an effort to curb the hunger pangs, I would post a rambling rant on the dreaded-four-letter-word: Diet

First, let's begin with my "Ode To The Diet":

"D" is for the Donut whose consumption I must part,
"I" is for the Ice Cream that is no longer in my cart.
"E" is for Eating salads, fish and vegan,
"T" is for my Tastebuds who will go a beggin'...

Next, are a couple of observations: First, it is painfully obvious why the word DIE is part of this noun/verb. Secondly, if "...matter is neither created nor destroyed..." where does the weight I lose go? Does my weight loss magically appear on the hips of some poor Russian factory worker?

Additionally, Diet Jokes!

I went on a diet for two weeks and all I lost was 14 days.

If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, 7up, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.

Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.

If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.

Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.

If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.

If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

And finally...

After faithful adherence to my diet for these last five days I told Margo I had lost 5 pounds!

She said, "No you didn't...it's right behind you..."

I hate diets.